Zuze's Thoughts

Yap session, Old friends and dumb phones

Hello! A part of my coping mechanism with changes that pertain to relationships and people is to write them a letter- i later found that this is quite common, but at the time i had so many words that i wanted to say and i didn't want to tell them so i pretended that i was addressing them.

I saw for weeks that my friends were growing irritable with each other, that they started to avoid, ignore, and even hide from each other. And i felt lost and helpless to stop something we were speeding towards (a friend group breakup). And for no reason i felt like somehow i wasn't good enough or smart enough to help them reconcile with each other, but i have come to the understanding that i am not their older sister, nor their overseer, and they were adults (granted some acted like children). Then i made a decision to keep my friendship with them, not as part of a group of people, but with each individual person.

But at the time i did not want to talk with any of them, because i hadn't made up my mind about what was bothering me, so i wrote them a letter, it was self centered, angry and i felt like i could move beyond them if the time came.

And it did, after -the breakup- i found that i was no longer friends with some of them, and others, i did not even like (there are only so many self deprecating jokes one sane human being can handle- they weren't even good jokes, you'd think after 2 years of knowing a person, and him being depressed, he'd have curated a sense of humor).

And after months of talking with one of the people who moved away after, i realized that she did had not listened whenever i spoke, and what really drove it home (the silent death of our friendship) was when she came to my campus for an event and didn't bother/ remember to contact me. In any case, I'll always be grateful for God when toxic people leave my life. It makes more space for new people to find me.

Now, that i got that out of my heart, i really want to write about my digital detox :D Like someone trying to recruit for a pyramid scheme, I'm gonna yap about how fulfilling it is.

Starting out, the WHY and HOW: Over a week ago i thought "man i really want a new phone." I was referring to the Nothing phone 2 and the new CMF phone as well as the Samsung flip phone (they're so stinkin' cute wth) and i was remembering some of the features that let the user detox from their digital life. That same minute my beloved One plus decided to drink a Red bull, grow wings and fly, then proceed to fall off the coffee table, breaking the screen in the weirdest possible way (screen was off, couldn't unlock it but i still could take calls to my headphones) it LITRALLY stopped my screentime (i averaged around 6-9 hours daily)

That happened at the end of a work week(so i couldn't immediately get it repaired).The day after i got a new phone(as one does), and it was a flip phone (YAYAYAY)- a Nokia 2660 flip (LMFAOO). It is so tiny, and IT FITS IN MY POCKET!! And now 10 days later i feel the effect. To be clear, at this point in the semester, where there are no updates from professors via teams, or WhatsApp, and at a point where my friends are travelling or else I am preparing for Eid, i don't miss it- i was too busy to and there was nothing urgent going. I know for a fact that that will change in the summer, and i will get to that. However, i have gone outside far more often, i have listened to audiobooks on my laptop and painted for the first time in over a year. Physically i have far fewer headaches and I REMEMBERED TO DRINK WATER (took a sip as i wrote this).

I am more aware of the passage of time, and rather than spend 5 hours doomscrolling, i take a 30 minute nap (and its 30 minutes, not because i want it to be, but because my body wakes up after 30, and stays awake) and the holiday this time around felt restful (granted i did sleep for over 10 hours daily, but still)

Today, i finally tided my bed, got all of the clothes off my desk chair(which is an achievement for me), and was able to communicate something that upset me clearly and calmly (the dream of every fantasy and romance reader hehe, but it was real life)

I want to mention that i have used insta and YT and music as a way to prevent any thoughts and not because i didn't like thinking, more because i knew the moment i stopped i would say to myself "This is not what i want to be doing right now" and that would generate stress (or the energy to do something else) and i would stay still, doing nothing and stressing about it until i was so drained of anything that i would just stop functioning. And comparatively speaking no thoughts possible>>>>>stressing about the things i could be doing, until that was, that there was no escape, i had a broken screen that forced me to deal with myself, and a nokia phone, whose jingle made me smile with delight.

Long term, this is not a viable or sustainable solution, i am moving cities this summer, and will be working a fulltime job, i will be traveling back and forth between cities constantly and will be needing a functional map, clock, bank, and transportation service, all of which are beyond my beloved 30-picture-max-storage flip (plus i really miss having a camera). Now the equation has a lot more variables.

The question now becomes, what is a possible way to have a smartphone that will not take over my life? Screentime limits are a no-go (i don't respect the time limits), deleting insta is painful i like posting stories and posts. Idk what i will do but i know that in the time i have been with the dumb phone i have been able to fulfill all the things i wished i had the energy for the previous week.

This was a long post, if you made it here, thank you for reading my yap session <3