Zuze's Thoughts

Three impossibilities

Hello dear reader,

Since the last time i posted:

I'm not ok.

let me do a bit of ??

A large portion of my childhood i spent it alone. After school my brother and i would go to our grandparents house, he would go play videogames and i would go out in the garden and draw. But i was still alone. But every time my brother wanted to get us in whatever shenanigans he wanted to that day, i was down. His threat when he was annoyed was that he and our cousin would play without me. I didn't want to be alone, understandably so, but time after time i developed an idea of myself that "i am unwanted, only tolerated".

In school at one point i had a group of friends and the next year i was assigned to a different class (with all my opps). So at a vital developmental point, i was deprived of socializing with my friends. It is sufficient to say that i didn't have friends until 10th grade when new students were introduced into my class, but until then i had thought of myself as an introvert. after school, in uni i thrived until a girl i was firends with showed me that i was no friend of hers. (a cup of magma that called itself tea had spilled on my hand and the salve the doctor put was very pungent and she would not stop complaining about the smell.)

I can't hate my brother, he was an idiot, i was impressionable. But this is reflecting in my adult friendships. Now, i genuinely love my friends, but going places with them is hard, i live in a different city and transportation is a chore, mind you I'm willing to do it if we actually meet for more time than it takes me to get there. So i think they stopped inviting me or telling me where they go. And what has started inducing my anxiety is their answer to "what did you do yesterday?" is "oh, nothing, we just went out together to study" and that they think that seeing their friends everyday is nothing (as if it is not the greatest pleasure and privilege to meet your chosen people at the drop of a hat). I also found out that they have multiple group chats that i am not a member in.

In essence, I am not a close friend of any of my close friends.

Which is fucking depressing.

so rather than cutting anyone off, i will phase them out of my routine, I won't reply first, won't text first, won't ask first. and this hurts. it really does.

it hurts but i can't take the "i wont reply to your messages until a full week after" i won't take the "i wont ask you about your day" i will not take the " I will bash your major, oh industrial engineering is "easy"/"not a real engineering"/ "just like business or logistics, right?"" WRONG, dead fucking wrong.

(I'll make a different post defending my major's honor)

The problem is, they say such things after they were, idk what to call it? after their own fields of engineering were dismissed as useless.

and one more thing that made me realize that I'm not as close to them as i had thought was that if they had paid attention to the things i say, they wouldn't hold such a sentiment, and no offence to business majors, but they didn't take calculus, probability, applied stats, material science, and they sure as fuck didn't take engineering drawing and work on over 20 engineering projects in the last 2 years alone.

It may seem trivial, the major thing, but as a person who is genuinely in love with what i study, it's such a big part of me, and i have dedicated years of my life to study it, and i know the stigma around it and the students who study it, but i would have thought that after 3 years of friendship they would see beyond that .

there is an ancient saying in Arabic "الثلاث العجائب العنقاء والغول والخل الوفي" there are three impossibilities: the phoenix, the ghoul, and the loyal friend.

If you have made it this far, thank you, & best wishes. do your own thing and don't stop for anyone!